03/01/20 17:34 Filed in:
Looking Back2019 was an especially challenging year for The Idle Bee and family. Barely had the year begun before we realised that I needed help with my increasing insomnia and distracting or intrusive thought processes. Flashbacks were occurring at a frequency and with such impact that I stopped driving and was definitely not able to continue to work safely. Taking time off sick left me feeling that somehow I “was letting the side down” or “just being weak and pathetic”. In truth there were occasions that I felt completely worthless. My Doctor was very supportive but was only able to access limited support through the NHS mental health services, he dished out the usual prescription for antidepressants and a leaflet for a phone based service. Frankly my feelings of worthlessness and nihilism were such that I left the leaflet in my coat pocket and would have forgotten about it if M hadn’t checked, M made me call the number. I remember little about the call except that, for the second time that day, the thoughts of self harm or suicide were suggested to me in the form of direct questioning. After I stated (again) that I had no intention of killing myself I was advised to download an app and work through the exercises. I wouldn’t have bothered but M once again persuaded me that the computer really wouldn’t mind helping someone as valueless as myself. Actually the app proved to be useless, it might help stressed individuals relax a bit but it felt a bit like trying to treat a multiply fractured lower limb with a Tubigrip bandage! Eventually, thanks to an intervention by our Occupational Health doc, I was referred to an extremely skilled psychologist who over a number of sessions taught me how to analyse, process and resolve the intrusive thoughts / flashbacks and regain control.
Throughout this whole period M managed to keep the next phase of our life plan on track and rolling forward. We had spent the previous two years restoring Fenay Cottage, with the long term plan of running it as a holiday rental.
Our plan was that this would enable me to take an early retirement by compensating for the loss of pension income resulting from taking it early. My escalating mental health problem proved just how provident this planning had been!
The next key element of our plan was to sell our home (The Laurels) and divide the proceeds into a new, smaller home for M and I and use the rest to clear the mortgage that we had taken out to fund the purchase and restoration of Fenay Cottage. Despite the uncertainty in the housing market we actually managed to sell The Laurels at a price that enabled us to move on with our plans.
Knowing that we were positioned to take the next step, I was able to formally give notice and to apply to take my pension early and to start to house hunt in earnest. Darncombe didn't hit all of our "must have list" and we very nearly decided not to view it. Even on the day we considered going for a walk instead. We knew that the owners were taking the viewing and, from our own experience, we knew that they would have prepared and tidied the house in preparation so our innate sense of good manners meant that we arrived at the allotted time. As we wandered round the house, looking at the extremely tired decor we both maintained the polite, poker faced but never the less attentive affect that had become our usual house viewing manner and as a result it was only during our "after viewing chat" that we realised that the other also loved the place.
Getting the keys to Darncombe just before Christmas allowed us to meet with a number of trades folk and to start the process of getting quotes and making plans.
